So here I am eating a wheel of Camembert in bed whilst watching re-runs of Planet Earth and ruminating on how it has come to pass that I will be turning 25 in a few weeks, have spent a quarter century on this planet and am halfway through the decade which is rumoured to be the best of your life.
I barely feel qualified to make a decision on whether washing qualifies as white or dark, let alone make any more adult life choices than that.
And that’s the thing – fifteen-year-old me (a decade ago. someone give me a hug) would definitely have classified twenty-five-year-old-me as being an adult.
Yet adult me has just booked a 24 hour trip to Disneyland to celebrate turning 25, because who needs responsibility when you’ve got an unlimited buffet breakfast and license to wear Minnie Mouse ears out of the house?
I’m still not sure if I feel like I’m handling this whole age thing well, I mean I’ve just broken up with the closest thing to potential-husband-material I had going and back to eating cereal for dinner three nights a week. So it’s not looking good.
On the plus side I paid my council tax bill this month, so I’m probably just fine. But It got me thinking about all the things that I need to achieve before I turn 30, so that I won’t start to have major age nightmares and regress to living in my mum’s spare bedroom.
1. Start doing a weekly shop rather than just buying a wheel of cheese and a corresponding carb four nights a week. You will end up looking like Kerry Katona but OK! magazine won’t pay you to lose weight and you’ll be sad.
2. Find someone willing to fraudulently buy me a 16-25 rail card so I don’t end up in a crumpled heap on the concourse at Liverpool Street station because it’s going to cost me £27 to get home. I JUST WANT TO GO AND HUG MY DOG, SOMEBODY PLEASE.
3. Stop telling strangers in the street how much I love their dog.
4. Buy puppy of my own and successfully raise it to full adulthood without threat of death or serious malnutrition.
5. Lean how to stack a dishwasher to it’s maximum potential capacity without just giving up and slamming the door and leaving it to grow it’s own culture for three weeks.
6. Visit South America so I can have a selfie with a lama and pretend I’m Julia Roberts in Eat,Pray,Love. Also just really want some Peruvian pompom cushions.
7. Find another man who is more tolerant of wearing dungarees, will cook me risotto and doesn’t ask hundreds of questions when I’m trying to watch Marcella and IT’S SO OBVIOUS WHAT’S GOING ON JUST SHUT UP.
8. Try Tinder. Come away unscathed, with excellent anecdotes and a clean bill of health.
9. Try and start to like human babies more than animal babies because your ovaries really need you to get on board with this body clock business, and you’ll never be able to birth a snow leopard cub so just get over it.
10. Accept that the quality of friends is more important than the quantity. And don’t just say you accept this out loud, actually know it in your heart/head. Who do I think I am, inspirational-quote-user-2016?
11. Have a mini breakdown where I reassess everything and then come back to realising life is actually bloody great here and it’s not all disappointment and WHY doesn’t ASOS have those sandals in my size?! Life is so unfair.
12. Note, the breakdown fuelled by wine and tequila is ESSENTIAL before 30 because in your 20’s you’re still just a twenty-something finding their way in the world and spending all your money on clothes you can’t afford. After 30 it is a legit mid-life crisis and people will stage interventions on you.
13. Accept that although everyone says your 20’s are the best years of your life, this doesn’t mean it’s all downhill and mortgage payments from here. Because those same people also said school years were the best of your life and I’m telling you now that being an adult and buying Marks & Spencer’s sandwiches every day for lunch is better than getting your head trapped in a locker…
14. Get a promotion. Fun fact, I’ve never stayed in a job long enough to get a promotion – maybe because I’m a flake or maybe because I’ve been on a steep career ladder climb and now feel like I’m in a legit job where I can progress and be a female boss etc. etc. Yes yes definitely the later….
15. Realise that if someone’s life looks too good to be true, then it absolutely one hundred per cent is. No one eats Dominos as much as you’d like to and looks like Miranda Kerr.
16. REALISE THAT AGE IS ONLY A NUMBER AND IF I’M YOUNG AT HEART THEN NO ONE CAN STOP ME WEARING CROPPED TOPS AND DENIM SHORTS AND DRINKING STRONGBOW AT READING FESTIVAL.
17. Invest in some heavy duty face cream cause you’re gonna look like a train wreck by 32.
Outfit c/o – ASOS*