Ronan Keating once said ‘life is a roller-coaster, you just gotta ride it’ and every day I try to live by his all-insightful 90’s boyband mantra.
And as I approach my quarter-century birthday, Ronan has never seemed more on point. With T-minus 3 months left on the right side of 25 I wonder – am I suffering a quarter-life-crisis?
On the one hand I’m coping well with the impending doom of being 30 and on the shelf and over the hill and never able to use the monkey-face emoji again in fear of being branded out of touch.
But on the other hand I still get asked for ID EVERY time during my weekly shop of wine, baked beans and tampons – I mean how many 17-year-olds do you know who want Tampax and Heinz in the park when they’re drinking underage? Sainsbury’s staff really seem to legit think that is a thing.
So it’s hard to know – am I approaching 25 with style and grace or stumbling towards it in a white-zinfandel induced hangover?
1. Spending a whole week sober, going to the gym and eating only raw spinach. Spend the subsequent week drunk 98% of the time and wake up in a pile of kebabs.
2. Re-join Tinder to check you still got it. Turns out, you do, but everyone is the worst and why does no one on here know about Brexit and council tax bands?
3. You now change your bedsheets on a weekly basis (rather than tri-monthly) but still can’t quite bring yourself to use the hoover more than 10 minutes before your mum comes to visit.
4. You buy bleach. Like actually on your shopping list. With your money.
5. You also buy McCains potato smiley faces because beige buffet is not just a meal for the under-7’s it is an integral part of a balanced diet.
6. When you hear Taylor Swift 22 you shed a single tear for the loss of your youth. You also refuse to read the YouTube comments section to avoid all the 12-year-olds saying ‘I’LL STILL LISTEN TO THIS SONG IN A DECADE’S TIME WHEN I’M ACTUALLY 22.’
7. You call everyone under the age of 25 a 12-year-old.
8. Everyone you know is either in relationships bound for marriage, 2.4 children and a golden labrador or have a one-way ticket to splitsville. Population me.
9. You wish you understood your ovaries better. Do they want to resign me to a life of spending Christmas surrounded by Battersea cats? Or will my life become a bad re-make of Cheaper By The Dozen?
10. You frequently find yourself reminiscing about things you did when you were 15 that you actually hated at the time – ie. not being able to get into nightclubs/having to drink in the park – and wishing your life was still like that.
11. You consider buying a dog. I WOULD MAKE A GREAT DOG MUM.
12. You realise you only really want the dog for when you’re hungover and OHHHH this would be so nice to hug.
13. You constantly go back and forth between wanting to build your career and be a #GirlBoss and hold up does someone wanna call Emma Watson because I deserve a slot at the UN with all this worldly wisdom I got. And then wanting to leave London with nothing but a handkerchief tied to a stick and live with Burmese hill peoples.
14. You can’t afford to buy fresh vegetables so you eat raw carrots but then justify spending £300 on Net A Porter. You got this hun.
15. You tell stories from when you were 18 (which was obvs yesterday) and then realise it was SEVEN YEARS AGO YOU OLD HAG.
Jeans – Topshop
Bag – Farfetch
Shoes – Superga
Polo neck – Marks & Spencer