First of all, stop trying to lose weight. It won’t happen, and in actual fact this is the thinnest you’ll ever be. So just rock that bodycon dress, stop eating Weight Watchers Heinz tomato soup because it’s rank and let’s be done with it.
Actually wait I take that back, don’t wear that dress, it’s horrible and Paris Hilton is no role model for anyone. Yeah burn that stuff. But admire your body more, because it only goes downhill (literally) from here.
So now the pleasantries are out of the way I just wanted to get in contact with you because I know what you’re going through, and what you’re about to go through. I know the way your life is going to unfold. For better and for worse.
That twat Captain Hindsight. Who rears his head and says I TOLD YOU SO when you’re feeling most vulnerable and emotional. Yeah that’s me right now.
The years you are living through now you will look back on with extreme fondness, with so many memories and times you wish you could live again and again but the people you consider friends now will eventually all dissolve into thin air. You wouldn’t even talk to them if you passed in the street.
This will cause you pain but eventually you’ll work through it. And I promise. Just keep on working through it.
That boyfriend you have, yeah about that. Eventually he dumps you via Skype for a Japanese exchange student whilst you’re writing your dissertation in the library. I know you were going out for like four years. So not cool. You didn’t even get a face to face apology. Yeah it’s a real ball-buster. But you know what, the only time you cry is once. In the disabled toilets in Sheffield city centre (yeah sorry you don’t get any classier) because you knew he was a rat all along. And guess what, sitting here in 2016 still the last time I saw him face to face was at Heathrow airport on the day he left. So stop wasting your time on him.
Enjoy the people you are surrounded by, not someone who isn’t thinking of you. This is a lesson I’m still learning but one that in my position of power I can abuse and push on you. So yeah, get out there and live in the present.
But you find someone much better. Much. better.
And you’ll never guess where you go together – the Caribbean! And America! Not for a holiday. To live. You live with this wonderful person thousands of miles away from your home but in a home you make together. And you love it. Yes truely, you, the person who normally cries when the plane touches down at Gatwick after a two week holiday because you’re so relieved to be back with the rain and the tea and the sarcasm.
I know. Funny how life turns out.
Also you should really start learning about this thing called blogging and SEO stat. If you were to learn even the basics you will make your future job prospects about one hundred times shinier and more glamorous. AND design this TV service for the internet and call it ‘NETFLIX’ – promise you’ll never be short for money again in your life.
And I really meant what I said about that dress. It does make your bum look big and I would mostly appreciate it because in about six years time Facebook will introduce this really cute thing called Timehop which means when you’re 24 and sitting on the number 59 bus in January 2016 it will be like HEY BABE LOOK AT THIS OUTFIT YOU WORE SEVEN YEARS AGO and you’ll be horrified. Just a little heads up for you.