Apologies for the melodramatic title. I do actually think friends matter and I do have friends of my own (in case you were wondering if this was a bizarre cry for help) but sometimes you CANNOT beat having a weekend with no plans and being a social hermit.
I know it is only Wednesday so apologies for trying to rush TGIF here but since starting my new job I seem to have inadvertently really got into going out on a school night, which means by the time Friday comes around I just want my duvet to cocoon me and to whisper nice reassurance and compliments and tell me I’m allowed to sleep for 14 hours straight.
So gearing up for my tiredness coma come Friday here is THE ABSOLUTE BEST way to spend that weekend. Official disclaimer – no actual science was used in this, I didn’t poll anyone, it’s just my authoritative opinion, which ya know is basically the same thing.
Afterall, as they say a weekend well spent brings a week of content (or ya know just enough energy to get you through Monday-Friday).
Well no not all mornings. In fact none of the mornings. The only good morning in my opinion is one that starts after nine o’clock.
Getting up at 6.42 every day of the week unfortunately pitch black darkness and I have become far better friends than I ever would have intended. Like the guy who always serves you in Pret and he knows that you opt for the Macaroni cheese when you should be getting a salad, these are the friends we try our best to avoid like the plague but they are loyal and smug.
So when I have a weekend where plans are non-existent then there is absolutely nothing better than staying in pyjamas and putting on an episode of – was Doctor Foster, now Unforgotten and River – I ADORE A CRIME DRAMA. (Yes. Even Midsomer Murders).
And hopefully because we live in the good old Northern Hemisphere and some mad storm someone decided to name Abigail wants to come and flood all our possessions, you want feel like a fat lard for staying in bed but smug that little Abz cannot ruin your plans. Win.
You can usually get away with doing this until at least lunchtime at which point someone might come and check just to make sure you didn’t do a Great Escape in the middle of the night.
Then of course, partly to appease your mother who is worried you might have stopped washing and partly because you lead the life of a pensioner/toddler you will smoothly transition straight from your horizontal position in bed to a horizontal position floating in water.
This water should be hot, full of bubbles, bath bombs and have your iPad positioned precariously nearby.
I normally opt for a chair with a cushion for added WILL IT FALL IN THE BATH AND ELECTROCUTE ME DANGER, to continue your murder-mystery binge.
By this point you may have caught up on all the BBC epicness listed above, so I would suggest Peep Show because it is glorious and we have all watched it so many times you can afford to close your eyes and pretend it’s an audiobook or some more sophisticated form of entertainment than Netflix n’ chill. Nailing the bath.
At this point you might also want to buy yourself a bell to summon any family members who feel like making you tea and/or snacks.
Failing the bell idea actually taking off, which is likely, you might need to go and feed yourself by now (honestly being an adult is really not all it’s cracked up to be).
And because you’ve really earned it through all your high-cardio activities this morning, I suggest that in my ideal heavenly weekend I would poach an egg and put it on a carb.
This week I learnt at The Breakfast Club that poached eggs work no matter what setting they find themselves in (ie. going incognito as a pair of testicles for Movember).
But this particular home concoction was made up of fridge leftovers (part of the whole being a social hermit for a weekend requires not having to do boring tasks like see strangers in a supermarket). Luckily for me the three-day old fish-cake turned out to be a good choice and not a hideous vomiting trap.
Then obviously you will be exhausted from having to cook for yourself, so you should probably just go back to bed. Repeat step 1 to fade.
Homewares – c/o The White Company